My Coronavirus Diary – Day 1

March 16. Lockdown. Everything is closed. Restaurants, stores, schools. “Keep six feet away from people” has been replaced with “don’t leave your homes!” Don’t go outside! The zombies will get you!

Jesus, Mary, and Josephine Baker I’m stressed.

I work from home. Now my wife works from home. My daughter is home, “distance learning” with her school. My dogs are unemployed and all they do is lie around all day. Lazy bastards.

I’m a mess.

There are stupid long lines at supermarkets. People are getting in line for Costco at 3:00 am. And everyone is hoarding toilet paper as if we’re all going to start pooping like we’re prepping for a colonoscopy.

I’m completely overwhelmed.

All of my productions have been canceled. I only make money when theaters produce my shows. But right now all theaters are closed. And no one knows for how long. When will I make money again?

I’m a 4-Star General Anxiety.

And to top it off, I’m in first place in my Premier League Fantasy league and no one knows if the season will continue. Curse you!!

These are strange times. And stressful times. And for someone who battles anxiety, these are extra special times. Thank god for vodka and Xanax (no, I don’t recommend this treatment).

So what to do? I’m working on a new script but I’m having trouble concentrating. So far I’ve been great at stress eating. My wife came home the other day with chocolate ice cream, chocolate bars, and a Kringle. I devoured all of them.

I’m trying to read but that whole “trouble concentrating” thing has come into play. I’m watching TV. My latest binge show is Babylon Berlin. Thank god I discovered how to switch it to the original German with English subtitles. The dubbing was atrocious. I play Emoji Blitz because it’s mindless.

And I vacillate between reading as much news as I can and avoiding all news because it makes me too stressed.

I think I’ll go make a vodka-infused chocolate bar.