Noah

I stumbled upon this today. It’s from a project we had to do for Shabbaton last year. We had to do a retelling of a story from the old testament. I believe the synagogue asked us to convert to any other religion.

The Story of Noah

God saw that man had become wicked and evil. God thought this wasn’t going the way he had originally envisioned. He felt he could do better so he decided to start over again. He would destroy the world with a huge flood because he thought that would be cool. God figured that scholars would later say the flood represented a reversal of creation and this made God giggle.

God told Noah to build a waterproof ark out of gopher wood. Nobody today knows what gopher wood is but evidently Noah did so he built the ark. Maybe that’s why God chose him.

God said the ark was to be 300 cubits long, 50 cubits wide and 30 cubits high. Noah mumbled that God was being a little too particular with the ark. God said, “What did you say?” And Noah responded, “Nothing.”

God told Noah the ark was to have an opening for daylight near the top, an entrance on the side, and three decks. Noah took the Lord’s name in vain under his breath and thought if God was so picky about how it should be built then maybe God should build it himself.

God told Noah that he, his sons, his wife, his son’s wives and two of every beast – male and female – would survive in the ark. Noah made a mental note to send his mother-in-law a farewell card.

After Noah finished building the ark and everyone was on board, God opened up the fountains of the great deep and the floodgates of heaven. Soon it was raining cats and dogs. Noah’s son, Shem, kept singing, “It’s raining, it’s pouring, the old man is snoring.” After a fortnight of this Noah nearly threw Shem overboard.

After 30 days of rain, Noah was glad he packed that rain slicker he bought at LL Bean. All in all it rained for 40 days and 40 nights. Noah’s wife said this was the worst cruise she had ever been on.

The rain finally stopped, but because of bad drainage, the water flooded the world for 150 days. During this time the ark came to rest on Mount Ararat. Noah opened the window and sent out a dove to see if there was any land that wasn’t completely soaked through. The dove pointed to the part of Mount Ararat that they were resting on but Noah averted his eyes, knowing the dove made a good point.

The dove flew off but couldn’t find any land.

After 7 days the dove was incredibly tired so he returned to the ark. God let the dove rest for 7 days and then sent the dove out again to see if there was any dry land. The dove wondered if Noah might send an animal that could swim because it wouldn’t be so tiring for that animal but Noah insisted the dove should go.

The dove grumbled and flew off.

After 7 days the dove returned with an olive branch. The dove high fived the other animals and thought his work was done. But after 7 more days Noah sent the dove out again. The dove thought, “Really? Again? What do I have to do to prove to this guy that there’s dry land out there?” The dove was peeved that he was doing all the work while all of the other animals were just sitting around.

So he flew of but this time he did not return.

Noah said this was proof that there was dry land. Noah realized he hadn’t paid attention to which way the dove flew so finding the dry land wasn’t going to go as smoothly as he thought. Eventually Noah, his family and all of the animals found the dry land. They also found the dove sitting in a chaise lounge and sipping a fruity drink out of a coconut.

God was pretty sure he got it right this time so he told Noah that he would never again use a deluge against humanity. Noah asked God to pinky swear. Instead God sealed the deal with a rainbow. Noah mumbled, “Show off.”

God told Noah and his sons to be “fruitful and multiply.” The sons cried, “Aww yeah.” Their wives were incredulous and bid farewell to their girlish figures.

God then told Noah that mankind would be in charge over the animals and that the animals could be eaten for food. The animals were incensed. They didn’t spend all that time cooped up in an ark only to be eaten by the people they had played endless games of Monopoly with. So they ran for the hills.

Noah planted a vineyard, drank copious amounts of wine and lived to the ripe old age of 950, thus becoming first evidence of the French Paradox.