Robin Williams’ Depression

Like a lot of people, I was both shocked and saddened by the death of Robin Williams. His death is a great tragedy but there may be some good to come from it. Robin Williams’ depression may finally help bring depressive illness out of the shadows. There’s a stigma about depression. From both sides. I know a lot of people, including myself, who suffer from depression and are afraid to say anything because we’re afraid people will think we’re weak, crazy or somehow a lesser person. On the other side, a lot of people think that those suffering from depression should just get over it or just cheer up.

 I’m tired of people telling me to just be happy. You don’t tell someone with polio to just walk. Or someone with cancer to just get over it. Depression is an illness like any other illness. It’s not imaginary or an attempt to be the center of attention. It doesn’t give a sh*t if you’re male or female, whether you’re rich or poor, whether you’re famous or not. Depression is an illness. And you don’t get a choice. You don’t choose to get it. It happens. The right amount of chemicals don’t get passed between the neurotransmitters and — boom — the door is wide open to depression or depressive disorder.

My Depression

I have suffered from depression and anxiety for years but the past few years it’s been getting worse.

Just over a year ago I tried to kill myself. (Spoiler alert: I wasn’t successful). For me it wasn’t so much that I wanted to die. I just didn’t want to be here anymore. I wanted my pain to go away. I wanted the voices inside my head to stop. I wasn’t interest in anything, I was irritable, I had insomnia but could also sleep the day away. I was bedridden for three months.

And the suicidal thoughts wouldn’t go away. Try as I might they stayed and grew stronger and stronger. And then they became too strong and my brain gave into them. Suicide seemed to be the right decision. The Black Dog was winning. Several times my therapist suggested I should check myself into a hospital. I had visions of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. I never checked myself in. In hindsight, I may have been better off if I had.

My head was a horrible place to be. I couldn’t escape it. And then I was diagnosed with Bipolar II. It took me a while to come to terms with that diagnosis. How could I possibly have BP2? I felt broken and worthless. But once my doctors started treating me for BP2 everything change. Well, once I was off the Lithium and then on Lamictal. Lithium sucked.

I’m feeling better. I still have bad days, more than I’d like,  but it’s nice to have good days. Some days it’s hour to hour, but a hell of a lot better than trying to kill myself.

Here are symptoms of depression:

• Persistent sad or “empty” mood.
• Feeling hopeless, helpless, worthless, pessimistic and/or guilty.
• Substance abuse.
• Fatigue or loss of interest in ordinary activities, including sex.
• Disturbances in eating and sleeping patterns.
• Irritability, increased crying, anxiety or panic attacks.
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering or making decisions.
• Thoughts of suicide; suicide plans or attempts.
• Persistent physical symptoms or pains that do not respond to treatment.

Yep. I’ve had them all.

I know people who have tried to kill themselves and failed.  I know people who have been, unfortunately, successful. Hopefully the current spotlight on Robin Williams’ depression will change our conception about this awful disease.

If you or anybody you know is struggling with depression, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is open 24/7 on 1-800-273-8255.