FRODO

Frodo goes up to the counter and tries and fails to order a cup of tea. Samwise, who is accompanying him, says, “Master Frodo will have a grande green tea with room for cream, please.” The barista hands the cup to Frodo, and the entire shop cheers. “Huzzah!” they cry. “Look at Frodo Baggins, ordering that cup of tea all by himself!” Later, Sam puts out a fire in the kitchen and Frodo is given the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

HARPER LEE

Harper Lee goes up to the counter and orders a grande cappuccino. She thinks it tastes great, and the other people in the shop seem to agree, so she never orders another drink again.

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

Little Red Riding Hood goes up to the counter and orders all of the pastries in the store, allegedly for her grandmother. She absentmindedly leaves them on a table because she sees someone waving to her from the alley outside of the shop and she thinks it would be a terrific idea to go say hi to him.

MARY SHELLEY

Mary Shelley goes up to the counter with her eccentric friend, who is wearing a lab coat. He wants to make his own drink out of the elements of other drinks – an espresso with hot chocolate, iced tea, whipped cream, caramel, pumpkin spice, mocha, and peppermint. “That’s too many seasons at once!” the barista cries. There is a flash of lightning. The espresso machine begins to move. The back room of the Starbucks is full of pitchforks.

MARLOWE

Marlowe goes up to the counter and begins ordering a coffee, but before he can finish he is stabbed to death. No one will ever know what he was going to order, but some say it would have been better than what Shakespeare ordered.

EMILY BRONTE

Emily Brontë goes up to the counter and orders a cafe latte. The barista misunderstands her and gives her a decaf capuccino. Emily storms out in a fury, and spends the next decade walking past Starbucks carrying cups of Caribou Coffee. She and Starbucks never reconcile.

HOMER

Homer goes up to the counter and asks if they have any wine dark teas. The barista goes in back to check. He doesn’t return for 20 years.

J.K. ROWLING

J.K. Rowling goes up to the counter and orders seven pumpkin spice lattes. The barista gives her eight.

HEMINGWAY

Hemingway goes up to the counter and orders one espresso. It’s hot. He drinks it in silence. It makes him remember his father’s cabin. He thinks about the woman he loved once. He does not smile. The coffee reminds him of war – short but painful, swallowed down quickly. One could order worse drinks. He leaves Starbucks and walks out into the rain.