Oh my god! Ark Factory Music, who brought us Rebecca Black’s preadolescent crap song “Friday,” have outdone themselves with the release of Alison Gold’s single “Chinese Food.”

I don’t really know where to begin. The “Chinese Food” video is so cataclysmically terrible it’s hard to stop watching it. Every second that goes by you’re thinking “Oh my god, they didn’t just do that, did they?”

In the video, Gold, after a night of balling and clubbing (seriously), and evidently suffering from low blood sugar, knocks over a trash can in a park because she’s so damn hungry. She sees a Chinese restaurant and all is good with the world. She orders some Chinese food and sings the menu.

Read the menu
They got broccoli
Even chicken wings
Make it spicy
And you like it
Cause it’s beautiful
And it tastes so so so good

I like the egg rolls
And the wonton soup
This makes me feel so so good
Fortune cookies, tell my future
Chinese Chinese Food

Here’s the chorus:

“I love Chinese food. You know that it’s true. I love fried rice, I love noodles, I love chow mein, chow m-m-m-mein.”

Then she befriends a giant Panda, who turns out to be  Patrice Wilson, the man responsible for Black’s song “Friday” and Gold’s “Chinese Food” and they go off to a park to tickle each other. Seriously.

But then, just when you think a grown man tickling a girl while wearing a panda suit isn’t bad enough, Wilson raps about Chinese food. But he doesn’t just rap. Oh no. He actually squints his eyes and does a little Yellow Face for us.

Yo!
I like Chinese food
And some Wonton soup
Get me broccoli
While I play Monopoly (Landing on Oriental Ave, ‘natch)
Don’t be a busy bee
Cause it’s your fantasy
To eat Chinese food
Egg roll and Chop Suey
I use the chopsticks
To eat pot sticks
Put some hot sauce and sweet and sour make it sweet
Because Chinese food takes away my stress
Now I’m going to go eat Panda Express

And then – I don’t want to spoil it for you – and then a bunch of preteens show up dressed as Geishas. Geishas! Um, Geishas are Japanese, not Chinese.

It’s an epic train wreck.