I’ve been working on a one-act version of “Around the World in 80 Days.” With most theatres only streaming productions, I feel shorter plays (no intermission) are going to be more popular. And for years my friend David Emmes has been pushing me to do a one-act version.

I’m changing it up a bit from the two-act version, so I went back to the book to look up a few things. I came across this passage from the book. It’s been 20 years since I wrote the script and I can’t remember what I was thinking when I transformed what Verne wrote to what I wrote. (Frankly, I can’t remember how I do that with most of my adaptations. When I go back and look at what I’ve done, I usually feel like someone else wrote the scripts.) And it appears I took another section of the book and put it in the scene after the watch business and before ‘Passengers will get out here!’

Anyway, I felt it was fun to revisit.

What Jules Verne Wrote

The next day Sir Francis Cromarty asked Passepartout what time it was; to which, on consulting his watch, he replied that it was three in the morning. This famous timepiece, always regulated on the Greenwich meridian, which was now some seventy-seven degrees westward, was at least four hours slow. Sir Francis corrected Passepartout’s time, whereupon the latter made the same remark that he had done to Fix; and upon the general insisting that the watch should be regulated in each new meridian, since he was constantly going eastward, that is in the face of the sun, and therefore the days were shorter by four minutes for each degree gone over, Passepartout obstinately refused to alter his watch, which he kept at London time. It was an innocent delusion which could harm no one. The train stopped, at eight o’clock, in the midst of a glade some fifteen miles beyond Rothal, where there were several bungalows, and workmen’s cabins. The conductor, passing along the carriages, shouted, ‘Passengers will get out here!’

What I Wrote

SIR FRANCIS. At half-past twelve the train stops at Burhanpur. Towards evening, we enter the Satpura Mountains, and the next morning, at eight o’clock-

PASSEPARTOUT. Four o’clock.

SIR FRANCIS. (looking at his watch)  No, it’s eight o’clock.

PASSEPARTOUT. (looks at “his” watch) My watch says it is four o’clock.

SIR FRANCIS. I’m afraid your watch is slow.

PASSEPARTOUT. My watch? A family watch, monsieur, which has come down from my great-grandfather? Slow? It doesn’t vary five minutes in the year.

SIR FRANCIS. Have you adjusted your watch since leaving London?

PASSEPARTOUT. It is a perfect timepiece!

SIR FRANCIS. I don’t doubt that. But since you are constantly moving eastward, the days are shorter by four minutes for each degree gone over. Therefore, you will need to adjust-

PASSEPARTOUT. I will not adjust my great-grandfather’s watch!

SIR FRANCIS. Very well. The next day, at eight o’clock-

PASSEPARTOUT. Four o’clock.

SIR FRANCIS. The train rushes through a glade some fifteen miles beyond Rothal. (sotto voce) It’s eight o’clock.

PASSEPARTOUT. I heard that.

SIR FRANCIS. Ah, we’re speeding along now.

PASSEPARTOUT. It says here that India is very dangerous. Is that true?

SIR FRANCIS. Not all of India is dangerous.

PASSEPARTOUT. That is a relief.

SIR FRANCIS. The area we’re passing through now, however, is extremely dangerous.

PASSEPARTOUT. It is?

SIR FRANCIS. Yes. Thanks to Feringhea, the King of the Stranglers.

PASSEPARTOUT. King of the Stranglers?

SIR FRANCIS. Yes. He and his men, in honour of the goddess of Death, strangle victims of all ages. This area can scarcely be travelled over without corpses being found in every direction.

PASSEPARTOUT. How horrible.

SIR FRANCIS. Yes.

PASSEPARTOUT. I hope we get out of here soon.

SIR FRANCIS Don’t worry. This locomotive is guided by an English engineer and fed with English coal. We’ll be in Calcutta before you know it.

The train stops.

The INDIAN TRAIN CONDUCTOR enters.

INDIAN TRAIN CONDUCTOR. Passengers will get out here!

The post How Did I Write That Scene? I Have No Idea appeared first on Mark Brown - Writer.

Some people collect stamps. I collect lists of synonyms. I was working on a script and one of the characters had to say that he was going to throw up. But I thought saying, “I’m going to throw up” didn’t fit the character. I needed him to say it another way. Puke, barf, and vomit immediately came to mind but none of them worked for the character. Thesaurus.com helped but I still wanted something different. So I summoned Google and went in search of synonyms for vomit. I came across some really great ones. “Didn’t make it to poop. Burp for the hearing impaired. Technicolor chunderspew.” I also came across some very odd ones that I loved for no other reason than they made me laugh because they were so odd. “Chowder Chunder and The Space Patrol” being one of my favorite odd ones. So I started making a list.

That synonyms for vomit list led to other lists. I like to find other ways of referring to sex organs, prostitutes, the act of having sex, poop, etc. You get the idea. Frankly I find saying penis, vagina, and hooker very boring.

So I started making more lists. Insults, swear words, pub names, British foods that sound naughty. I’ve found these lists to be extremely helpful with my writing. And if I’m feeling a bit down, I go and read them and they always make me laugh. I am, after all, a 12-year old boy at heart.

I’d like to share those lists, because you never know when you want to say “Uh oh, I think I’m going to chew it on the rebound.”

Synonyms for Vomit

A
A belch too far
Anti-poop
Argue with the worms

B
Barffalo Bill
Bark at the ants
Bark at the grass
Bark like a seal
Belch with speed bumps
Blow chunks
Blow it out the wrong tree
Brooklyn mating call
Burp for the hearing impaired
Burp with a follow through
Buy a round-trip meal ticket

C
Call Barfolemew
Caress the Kohler
Chew backwards
Chew it on the rebound
Chorkle
Chowder Chunder and The Space Patrol
Chuckle chunks
Chunderspew
Chunky Soup
Colon Explosion in Reverse
Come out the in hole
Count Barfula

D
Debut at the vomitorium
Deja spew
Deliver Street Pizza
Diarrhea the friendly way
Didn’t make it to poop
Display the lunch menu

E
Eat backwards

F
Fertilize the bushes
Fling floor pie
Fondle the Pope
Food inspection
Food fountain

G
Gargle gravy
Get a refund on your lunch
Giggle chunks
Give your intestines the day off
Go for the 2nd chew

H
Hork the pork
Hors d’oeuvres for the homeless

I
I gotta chew my fries more
Insult your shoes

J
Jazz up the carpet
Jettison the chunky cargo

K

L
Launch the food shuttle
Liquid belch
Liquid burp
Liquid laugh
Liquid scream
Liquid yodeling
Lose faith in the digestive system
Lumpy burp

M
Marinade your tongue
Mouth stew
My dinner is coming to say hello

N
Nostril Sauce

O
Oral diarrhea

P
Paint a Pollock
PBS: Puke Broadcasting System

Q

R
Re-taste your lunch
Rented lunch
Retch-a-sketch
Return your meal
Reverse digestion
Reverse poop
Review your lunch
Review the menu
Ride the regurgitron
Roman after-dinner mint
Round-trip meal ticket

S
Sing the Argentinean national anthem
Sling stomach snot
Snarp
Sneeze cheese
Snot the hotdog
Spew
Spewburger
Spray paint the toilet
Spray the weeds
Supermodel push-ups
Surprise toilet inspection

T
Take the shortcut out
Tastes better the second time
Technicolor chunderspew
Technicolor scream
Technicolor Yawn
Technicolor yodel
Thank the toilet
Three minutes to great abs
Toss your cookies

U
Unswallow

V

W
Worship the porcelain God

X

Y
Yackety-yak, it’s comin’ back
You just said a mouthful

Z

#
3-D Burp

If you have any that I haven’t listed, please share them. I’ll add them to the list.

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The videos are slowly coming out. Wilkie Ferguson kicked off the night with “The Whole World has Evil.” I think he channeled Screamin’ Jay Hawkins for part of it.

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Special thanks to the American Foundation for New American Musicals for the video.

The post The Whole World Has Evil – Live appeared first on Mark Brown - Writer.

Our set of songs from Tom Jones the Musical at the Rockwell Table and Stage was rollicking! It was a great audience and the cast tore it up.

When we perform at the Rockwell in September, it went really well. But this performance was wild. It was truly a magical evening.

Eric dancing up a storm during Fox Hunting.

Wilkie and Jennifer killing it.

As my daughter said, “Miatta slayed!”

And then there’s me.

I’m waiting on the video but here’s the audio of the show.

The post Tom Jones at the Rockwell was Raucous! appeared first on Mark Brown - Writer.

It’s always hard for me to find a good Valentines Day card. I hate the sappy, lace-covered cards with some soppy message written in a romance novel font. And a lot of the “humorous” cards don’t live up to the humorous part. What’s a pseudo-romantic-odd-sense-of-humor guy to do?

Cue the band.

These cards are perfect.

Historical Cards That Say I Love You

For those of you who love history and dictators, these are for you.

Happy Valentines Day.

The post Valentines Day Cards appeared first on Mark Brown - Writer.

Years ago I was asked to write playwright’s notes for the playbill for the Colony Theatre’s production of Around the World in 80 Days. I wrote my notes and gave them to my wife to read. She read about 3/4 of the way and thought “My husband has lost it. He’s rambling. He’s all over the place.” And then she got to the last paragraph and said to me “I can’t believe you tied all of that together.”

And almost every review of the show said, “read the playwright’s notes.” Here’s what I wrote:

There’s no balloon! First and foremost. I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but there’s no balloon. I cannot stress this enough. I’ve said this from the very first day when several of my friends and I sat around discussing one of our favorite subjects—what novels would make good stage adaptations—and Around the World in 80 Days came up.  Someone said, “It’ll be great. We’ll follow the balloon from country to country.” I piped in with, ‘There’s no balloon.” I hadn’t even read the novel but somehow I knew there wasn’t a balloon in it. How I knew this little bit of trivia I’ll never know. It’s like my knowing that Hack Wilson holds the single season RBI record. It’s just something I know. There’s no balloon. There’s no balloon in the book. There’s no balloon in my script. It’s the curse of the movie, really. The first one. The one with David Niven. It won five Academy Awards. The film had a balloon. It’s what everyone remembers. But there’s no balloon in the book and there’s no balloon in this show. So if you’ve come to see a trip around the world in a balloon, get out of your seat right now and demand your money back. You’ll be sorely disappointed if you stay.

I wish I could tell you that I’ve been a lifelong Jules Verne fanatic. That I’ve memorized every one of his novels…in French. That I spent my childhood trying to dig to the Center of the Earth. That I go to Jules Verne conventions dressed as Captain Nemo. That I’ve decorated my bedroom to look just like Nemo’s submarine, the Nautilus.  I’m sorry. I’d be lying. But I once went on the Twenty-Thousand Leagues Under the Sea ride in DisneyWorld…well I got in the sub, got panic-stricken with claustrophobia, and got right out. And I was in the Tom Hanks-produced mini-series From the Earth to the Moon. That should count for something.

My first draft of the script was nearly as long as Fogg’s journey around the world. (Oh, I should probably note here that it’s Phileas Fogg. Not Phineas. Almost everyone thinks it’s Phineas. It’s not. It’s Phileas. I don’t know why people think that. But they do.) It felt like eighty days. I was almost forced to put in a dinner break and serve food from around the world. Which brings me to the first bit of historical information. In 1872, the year this play takes place and the year Verne wrote the novel, the first diner was started in Providence, Rhode Island. I note this not only because you can order almost anything in the world to eat in a diner, but also because I’m from New Jersey. The Garden State, my eye. It should be renamed the Diner State. New Jersey has more diners than any other state in the union (and in the world, for that matter) and is sometimes referred to as the Diner Capital of the World. Also, the first baseball game was played in New Jersey, as was the first intercollegiate football game. New Jersey also has a Trash Museum, a Spoon Museum, and the State Shell is the Knobbed-Whelk…but I digress.

So through a series of readings and workshops at the Orlando Shakespeare Festival in Orlando, Florida, I was able to get the script down to two hours. Among the many scenes I cut, I ended up cutting a very funny (at least I thought it was funny) scene with a Mormon. Although people laughed, the general consensus was they thought it was poking fun at Mormons. Okay, it was. But wait ’til you see this play. I poke fun at nearly everyone. How the Mormons escaped unscathed I’ll never know. But now that I think about it, the Mormon scene was right out of the book. So Verne is the one to blame. I mention this because I’m about to come to the second bit of historical information. In 1872, Brigham Young, Second Prophet of the Mormon Church, was arrested for bigamy. He had 25 wives. I’m undecided as to whether Young was the luckiest man for having 25 wives or the dumbest. I have one wife and I can’t decide which I am. (My wife is reading over my shoulder and has just whispered, “You better say you’re the luckiest or you’re a dead man.”) I’m the luckiest.

Which brings me to the third bit of historical information. In 1872, in defiance of the law, Susan B. Anthony voted for the first time. At the time, it was illegal for women to vote. She was arrested, taken to trial, and fined $100.00. She never paid it. I also believe she originated the saying, “I’m sticking it to the man,” but don’t quote me on that.

And I’d like to think that Susan voted for Victoria Woodhull. In 1872, Victoria Woodhull was the first woman nominated for the U.S. Presidency. Victoria, who used to perform a spiritualist act with her sister, Tennessee, advocated an eight-hour workday, graduated income tax, and profit sharing. Scandalous. She was also the first female stockbroker on Wall Street. Ironically enough, I hear tell that Susan voted for Horace Greeley.

And now, in a desperate effort to tie all of this together, let me come back to the non-existent balloon. The balloon you won’t see in this production. In 1783, a sheep, a rooster, and a duck (I know, it sounds like “walk into a bar” should follow) became the first hot-air balloon passengers in Versailles, France (France being Jules Verne’s birthplace). Verne worked as a stockbroker (like Victoria Woodhull) until he wrote Five Weeks in a Balloon. (Not to be confused with the forty-five-day-longer journey Around the World in Eighty Days). Verne’s inspiration for Around the World in Eighty Days was most likely George Francis Train (if only his last name was Balloon), who in 1870 traveled around the world in (there are conflicting reports here) sixty-seven or eighty days. George Francis Train was jailed on obscenity charges while defending Victoria Woodhull. The first U.S. manned hot-air balloon flight was by Jean-Pierre Blanchard, a Frenchman, in 1783. He flew from Philadelphia to Deptford Township, NJ. (New Jersey being my birthplace). Deptford is also home to the fabulous Five Points Diner. And in a moment of truth-is-stranger -than-fiction, I was born in Deptford Township, and their slogan is “First Flight in America.”

I hope you enjoy the show, but whatever you do, don’t whisper to the person next to you, “Where the heck is the balloon?”

The post Around the World Playwright’s Notes appeared first on Mark Brown - Writer.

Anyone who knows me knows I’m not the best singer in the world. Nor am I the best guitar player in the world. I took guitar lessons from a guy with huge ears at a dinky music store when I was in 7th grade and I haven’t gotten any better. Seriously.

But what I can do, as my friend Paul Mirkovich says, is write a song. And right now I’ve written a bunch of songs for my new musical Tom Jones the Musical. (I still can’t get over the cleverness of that title.)

What amazes me is hearing the songs go from idea to finished product. I am blessed with  amazingly talented friends with whom I can collaborate with. One of my best friends and my go to collaborator for musicals is Paul Mirkovich. There aren’t enough words to describe his brilliance so I’ll just go with “not mediocre.”

Our process is pretty simple: I write the songs, he arranges the songs, and then he or some of my other friends sing the songs. Here’s a great example:

I wrote the song “The One.” It’s one of the first songs I wrote for Tom Jones. I recorded a very basic demo, in which I attempted to play all the right chords and not sound like a sick dodo warbling out a melody. I took the song to Paul, told him the sound I was going for, and then we recorded it at his home studio. I sat in amazement as the song came to life, just as I imagined it in my head.

On to the Studio

Me with the incredibly Deedee and Cliffton Hall.

With the tracks in hand, I went to a recording studio in LA to record the vocals with my friends Deedee Magno Hall and Cliffton Hall. (I defy you to find a nicer and more loving couple). And then they sang the daylight out of the song.

It’s the journey from idea to finished song that I love. Seeing something created before my eyes. And having friends along for the ride is the best part.

Here’s the original demo I did at my house. Guitar, vocal.

And here’s the finished song.

The post How I Go From Idea to Finished Song appeared first on Mark Brown - Writer.

New Bern Civic Theatre in New Bern, NC is producing my play Around the World in 80 Days, Sept 8 -17. That makes two productions opening in the same week (Servant Stage is the other production).

Pay no attention to the helicopter. It didn’t exist in 1872, but would have made the trip a whole lot easier.

New Bern, NC, along the mighty Neuse River is the birthplace of Pepsi-Cola. Seriously. I hear tell that if you open a fire hydrant, Pepsi flows through the town.

The Cast

The show stars: Patrick Gaskins, Austin Arrington, George Oliver, Wesley Gerard and Kelly Rogers. Neil Oliver is the understudy for Phileas Fogg.

Info

Around the World in 80 Days
New Bern Civic Theatre
September 8, 9, 15, 16 @ 7:30pm; September 10, 17 @ 2pm
Ticket Prices
• Orchestra — Advance: $18, Door: $20, Students & Active Duty Military: $12
• Balcony — Advance: $17, Door: $19, Students & Active Duty Military: $10
Sales Tax
NBCT is required by the State of North Carolina to charge a sales tax of 6.75% on all ticket sales
Online Service Fee
$2 per ticket

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Servant Stage Company in Lancaster, PA will be producing my play Around the World in 80 Days, Sept 7 – 17. (I have another production opening the same week at New Bern Civic Theatre.)

I’ve seen some pictures of the Servant Stage production and the costumes and set look gorgeous.

Cast

The production stars: Dan Deal, Andrew Zahn, Kristen Brewer, Jacob Daniel Cummings and Brian McCreary.

Tickets

All tickets are pay what you want! Let’s hope someone wants to pay Hamilton priced tickets. Buy your tickets here.

Thanks

Thanks everyone at Servan Stage. Break loads of legs and have a great time.

Info

Around the World in 80 Days
Servant Stage Company
Sept 7 – 17
Lancaster Alliance Church
210 Pitney Road
Lancaster, PA 17601

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This is the second installment about the recording session we did in NYC for my musical Tom Jones the Musical. Yesterday I wrote about the first song we recorded: “About You,” sung by the incredibly talented Kerry Butler and Dan DeLuca.

Digging a Hole in the Ground

After we recorded Kerry, we moved onto “Digging a Hole in the Ground.” This song takes place in the second act. Tom and Sophie come face to face for the first time since Sophie discovered Tom slept with another woman. He’s now the boy toy to another woman, Lady Bellaston, a socialite and insatiable cougar. Tom is a reluctant boycycle and is only with Lady Bellaston because she’s Sophie’s cousin and he is using her to find Sophie. Sophie walks into Lady Bellaston’s parlor to discover Tom dressed like a dandy.

Anissa Felix

I was lucky to get Anissa Felix and Josh Tolle to sing the song.

Anissa Felix is a good friend of mine. I met her when she was in a production of Around the World in 80 Days at TheatreSquared in Fayetteville, AR. She is incredibly talented, sweet beyond belief and drop dead gorgeous. Seriously. She’s one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen. I think it’s because she’s so beautiful on the inside. She just glows and not in a “hey, how do you like my new plutonium outfit” kind of way. She was the Diana Ross cover for the Motown the Musical national tour and she’s currently in Sunset Blvd on Broadway.

The key Paul and I recorded in made it nearly impossible for a normal human to sing. The girl’s notes were higher than Snoop Dog at an all-night party. But enter Anissa Felix. She nailed it. We had to take a few breaks between takes because she was in the stratosphere and it was 11:00 in the morning. But she was awesome.

Josh Tolle

Josh Tolle came in that afternoon to sing his part. I had never met Josh. He was recommended to me by Adam Kaplan, who was recommended to me by a mutual friend. So Josh didn’t know a soul.

It was a crazy week for him. He had a callback for a Broadway show and his trip to Europe was up in the air. (I found out he flew out to Europe two days after he recorded for me). He had recently been on the Kinky Boots tour so I knew he was good. And he was. He came in. Boom. Bam. Thank you, ma’am. He did a terrific job.

The Song

All of the songs in Tom Jones the Musical are influenced by the 1960s British Invasion. Here’s “Digging a Hole in the Ground.” I hope you like it.

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