The other day. Or week. Or month. Hell, time has no meaning to me anymore. I don’t leave the house. Someone told me it’s August. Sure why not? Anyway, I posted my list of synonyms for vomit. I keep lists of synonyms, mostly for things like sex organs, prostitutes, the act of having sex, poop, etc. You get the idea. Sometimes saying, “I have to poop” works in a script. But I like to find other ways to say it. Thesaurus.com is fine, but I like to scour the internet for more colorful ways of saying, “I  have to poop.” Something like “I have to go squeeze a dwarf.”

So here today is my list of synonyms for poop, both verb and noun. Because you never know when you want to say, “Uh oh, I’ve gotta go make a taint hoagie.

A
Air out the anus
Anal impaction
Ass sneezing

B
Black banana
Blind eels
Blow mud
BM
Boom Boom
Butt dribblets
Butt drool
Butt sewage
Butt truffles
Boulder

C
Caca
Cattle cookies
Chimp chunks
Chocolate channel chewie
Chocolate explosion
Clean one’s colon
Clean out the garage
Clean up on aisle two
Colon cannonballs
Cook some beans
Corn eyed butt snake
Corn massacre
Crap
Crapsters
Creamy butt nuggets
Cut off a load

D
Digested Crayola box
Dingleberries
Dog logs
Doggy sausage
Doodoo
Dookie Pie
Drop a chalupa
Drop a deuce
Drop assgoblins
Drop some friends off at the lake
Dump
Dump run

E
Easter Bunny’s present
Empty the manure spreader

F
Fifth teletubby
Food’s evil cousin
Frightened turtle

G

H
Hardened fudge nuggets
Hershey Highway
Hell’s candy
Human espresso machine

I

J

K
Keester cakes

L

M
Meadow Muffin
Mississippi mud
Montezuma’s revenge

N

O

P
Peanut butter poop
Poopsicle
Potty animals
Product of Uranus

Q

R
Rectum warriors

S
Scat
Screaming mimis
Sea pickle
Sewer serpents
Shitsicles
Space slug
Squeezing a dwarf
Stink pickle
Stool
Super ShitMan
Supersonic sewer sauce

T
Taint hoagie
Tangy butt nuts
That ain’t chocolate puddin’!
Toilet bowl stew
Tom cruise missiles
Turd
Turd tunnel tasty

U

V

W
Woobiejoos

X

Y

Z

If you have any that I haven’t listed, please share them. I’ll add them to the list.

The post My Lists of Synonyms. Today It’s Poop. appeared first on Mark Brown - Writer.

Some people collect stamps. I collect lists of synonyms. I was working on a script and one of the characters had to say that he was going to throw up. But I thought saying, “I’m going to throw up” didn’t fit the character. I needed him to say it another way. Puke, barf, and vomit immediately came to mind but none of them worked for the character. Thesaurus.com helped but I still wanted something different. So I summoned Google and went in search of synonyms for vomit. I came across some really great ones. “Didn’t make it to poop. Burp for the hearing impaired. Technicolor chunderspew.” I also came across some very odd ones that I loved for no other reason than they made me laugh because they were so odd. “Chowder Chunder and The Space Patrol” being one of my favorite odd ones. So I started making a list.

That synonyms for vomit list led to other lists. I like to find other ways of referring to sex organs, prostitutes, the act of having sex, poop, etc. You get the idea. Frankly I find saying penis, vagina, and hooker very boring.

So I started making more lists. Insults, swear words, pub names, British foods that sound naughty. I’ve found these lists to be extremely helpful with my writing. And if I’m feeling a bit down, I go and read them and they always make me laugh. I am, after all, a 12-year old boy at heart.

I’d like to share those lists, because you never know when you want to say “Uh oh, I think I’m going to chew it on the rebound.”

Synonyms for Vomit

A
A belch too far
Anti-poop
Argue with the worms

B
Barffalo Bill
Bark at the ants
Bark at the grass
Bark like a seal
Belch with speed bumps
Blow chunks
Blow it out the wrong tree
Brooklyn mating call
Burp for the hearing impaired
Burp with a follow through
Buy a round-trip meal ticket

C
Call Barfolemew
Caress the Kohler
Chew backwards
Chew it on the rebound
Chorkle
Chowder Chunder and The Space Patrol
Chuckle chunks
Chunderspew
Chunky Soup
Colon Explosion in Reverse
Come out the in hole
Count Barfula

D
Debut at the vomitorium
Deja spew
Deliver Street Pizza
Diarrhea the friendly way
Didn’t make it to poop
Display the lunch menu

E
Eat backwards

F
Fertilize the bushes
Fling floor pie
Fondle the Pope
Food inspection
Food fountain

G
Gargle gravy
Get a refund on your lunch
Giggle chunks
Give your intestines the day off
Go for the 2nd chew

H
Hork the pork
Hors d’oeuvres for the homeless

I
I gotta chew my fries more
Insult your shoes

J
Jazz up the carpet
Jettison the chunky cargo

K

L
Launch the food shuttle
Liquid belch
Liquid burp
Liquid laugh
Liquid scream
Liquid yodeling
Lose faith in the digestive system
Lumpy burp

M
Marinade your tongue
Mouth stew
My dinner is coming to say hello

N
Nostril Sauce

O
Oral diarrhea

P
Paint a Pollock
PBS: Puke Broadcasting System

Q

R
Re-taste your lunch
Rented lunch
Retch-a-sketch
Return your meal
Reverse digestion
Reverse poop
Review your lunch
Review the menu
Ride the regurgitron
Roman after-dinner mint
Round-trip meal ticket

S
Sing the Argentinean national anthem
Sling stomach snot
Snarp
Sneeze cheese
Snot the hotdog
Spew
Spewburger
Spray paint the toilet
Spray the weeds
Supermodel push-ups
Surprise toilet inspection

T
Take the shortcut out
Tastes better the second time
Technicolor chunderspew
Technicolor scream
Technicolor Yawn
Technicolor yodel
Thank the toilet
Three minutes to great abs
Toss your cookies

U
Unswallow

V

W
Worship the porcelain God

X

Y
Yackety-yak, it’s comin’ back
You just said a mouthful

Z

#
3-D Burp

If you have any that I haven’t listed, please share them. I’ll add them to the list.

The post A List of Synonyms For Vomit appeared first on Mark Brown - Writer.

There are very few things I like more than getting free stuff. And your birthday is the best time to get a lot of free stuff. It only takes a few minutes to sign up for rewards clubs that will send you birthday freebies.

Most are good for your birthday month. Some for a month after your birthday. And some, thank you Jersey Mike’s, are good all year.

Here’s my giant list of places that will give you birthday freebies. And yes, I’m signed up with all of them.

(Ones in bold are my favorites)

The Ultimate List Of Free Stuff For Your Birthday

1. 99 Restaurant and Pub. Free Gift. Join their eclub.
2. A&W All American Food: Free root beer float. Join the Mug Club.
3. Abuelo’s. Free gift. Join Abuelo’s Rewards Program.
4. AMC Theatres: Get a large popcorn for your birthday. I may have gotten a free ticket to a movie as well. Sign up to be a Stubs Insider.
5. American Eagle. 15% off coupon. Join aeo/connected.
6. Anthropologie. Free gift. Sign up for AnthroPerks.
7. Applebee’s: Sign up for the email club and get a free something. Not sure what. I’ll let you know next year.
8. Arby’s. Join Arby’s Email List. This year I could have gotten a small shake and small fries with the purchase of a sandwich. I passed on this one. I don’t trust that the meat is actually meat.
9. Argo Tea. Free drink up to $5. Join the LoyalTea Club (app only)
10. Au Bon Pain: Free coffee and pastry for joining the Email Club.
11. Auntie Anne’s: I can’t believe I missed this one! Sign up for Pretzel Perks and get a free pretzel on your birthday
12. B. Good. Free side when you sign up. Free meal on your birthday. App only.
13. Baja Fresh: Again, how did I miss this one? Join Club Baja and get a free something.
14. bareMinerals. Free Gift. Join the Fab Club.
15. Barnes and Noble. Free cupcake for kids. Join their Kids’ Club.
16. Baskin Robbins: Free ice cream by joining the Birthday Club.
17. Bd’s Mongolian Grill. Free meal. Join their eClub.
18. Benihana: This one isn’t completely free but it’s pretty good. Buy an entree and then get $30 off additional items. Sign up for the Chef’s Table.
19. Bertucci’s. Free Gift. Join the Dough Nation.
20. Big Boy: I love this one. Sign up for the Email Club and get a free dessert on your birthday.
21. Big Mama’s & Papa’s Pizzeria: I didn’t use it this year. Mama is pretty bad about getting the coupon to you in time. And it can only be used on your birthday. I got my coupon in the afternoon. But sign up is here.
22. Biggby Coffee. Free drink. Join the B-Happy Lounge.
23. BJ’s Brewhouse: Join Premier Rewards Plus, get a free Pizookie for your birthday. You also get a free Pizookie just for signing up.
24. Black Angus Steakhouse: This is sort of a one time deal. Join the Our Prime Club and get a free dessert for joining and then  a free steak dinner on your first birthday after joining.
25. Bojangles’: Oh please please please open one near me. Free biscuit! And a free 1/2 gallon of sweet tea just for joining their E-Club.
26. Bruegger’s Bagels:  Get a free birthday bagel with cream cheese. Join Bruegger’s Bagels Inner Circle. (And get a free welcome bagel)
27. Bubba Gump Shrimp: Get a free cupcake. That’s it!? Ugh. Sign up for their email club.
28. Buca di Beppo: Free Colossal Brownie Sundae. I went by myself. I had no idea how big it was going to be. Twelve brownies with six scoops of vanilla & chocolate ice cream. Man it was good! No other purchase necessary. Join their eClub.
29. Buffalo Wild Wings: I’m not a huge fan of wings but I’ll eat them if they’re free. (Expect for Arby’s). Join Blazin Rewards.
30. California Pizza Kitchen: Free dessert (or entree if you’re at a higher benefit level). Join CPK Rewards.
31. Cantina Laredo. Free dessert. Join their e-club.
32. Captain D’s: I think you get a free 2 piece fish dinner, fish & shrimp dinner or season tilapia dinner. And you get a free appetizer or dessert just for registering. Sign up for Captain D’s Rewards.
33. Caribou Coffee.  Free drink. Sign up for Carbiou Perks Points.
34. Carrows: Free dessert. Join their E-Club.
35. Carvel: Free small soft serve cone. Join Fudgie Fanatics (Come on. Really? Fudgie Fanatics!?)
36. Cheesecake Factory: I think you get a free dessert. Sign up their email.
37. Chick-fil-A: I don’t eat at Chick-fil-A but I hear tell if you sign up for Chick-fil-A One you get a free cookie on your birthday.
38. Chili’s: Sign up for My Chili’s Reward Club and get a free dessert on your birthday. I don’t know if you have to buy an entree or not.
39. Chuck E Cheese’s. Free reward for you child’s birthday and “half-birthday.” Join More Cheese Rewards.
40. Cinnabon: I think you get a free drink on your birthday when you sign up for the Cinnabon Club. Screw that noise. I want a free cinnabon.
41. City Wok: I believe this is just a Los Angeles place, but you get free entree on your birthday when you sign up for the City Wok Eclub.
42. Coco’s Bakery: Word on the street is you get a free slice of pie on your birthday. Sign up for their Eclub.
43. Cold Stone Creamery: Get some sweet sweet free ice cream (Although it’s a BOGO) on your birthday when you sign up for My Cold Stone Club Rewards.
44. Corner Bakery: Get a free dessert on your birthday. I got the chocolate baby bundt cake. It was delicious! Join the Corner Bakery eClub.
45. Cost Plus World Market: You get 15% off a purchase. Meh. Sign up here.
46. Cotton Patch Café.  Free dessert. Join The Club.
47. Cracker Barrel: Tell them it’s your birthday. Free dessert. Bam!
48. Dairy Queen: Receive a free blizzard (I think)  on your birthday when you become a member of the Blizzard Fan Club.
49. Del Taco: Become a Raving Fan eClub member and get a free premium shake for your birthday. And you’ll get two free tacos just for signing up.
50. Denny’s: Join the Denny’s Club and for your birthday you’ll get a free Grand Slam. Also get 20% off your next visit after you sign up.
51. Dickey’s BBQ: Get a free BBQ sandwich when you sign up for their Big Yellow Cup Club. It’s a huge sandwich. And they have free ice cream. This is one of my favorites!
52. Dippin’ Dots: Get free Dippin’ Dots for your birthday when you join the Dot Crazy Email Club.
53. DSW. $5 off.  Join DSW VIP.
54. Dunkin’: Dunkin’, as they’re now known, pisses me off with their birthday freebie. You get a free drink on your birthday when you sign up for the DD Perks Rewards Program. Not a free donut!?
55. Earl of Sandwich: Get a free brownie. Join the Royalty Club.
56. Edible Arrangements: Join Edible Rewards and I think you get a free 12 count chocolate dipped fruit box during your birthday month.
57. Einstein Bros. Bagels: This one isn’t completely free. You get a free egg sandwich with a purchase. Join the Shmear Society.
58. Famous Dave’s: This one is too far away from me but get a free something when you join the Famous Nation.
59. Firehouse Subs: Sign up for Firehouse Rewards and get a free sub on your birthday or up to six days after. I had never eaten there before this year. Pretty darn good, although the Coke tasted weird.
60. Fox and Hound: Free entree. Sign up for the MVP program.
61. Friendly’s: Sign up for the BFF club and get a free sundae on your birthday. I think it’s a happy ending. And I don’t mean the one you have to pay extra for when you get a massage.
62. Fuddruckers: Sign up for the Fudd Club and get a free 1/3 pound burger for your big day.
63. Godiva: I got a $10 coupon this year. Join the Godiva Rewards Club. I got the Dark Chocolate Assortment G Cube Box.
64. Golden Corral: Join the Good as Gold Club and get a free buffet on your birthday. But…it’s a BOGO. And my reward was only good at a restaurant in Anaheim. And it’s now the era of COVID-19. It’s a pass for me with buffets.
65. Gordon Biersch: I believe you get a free entree on your birthday. Join the GB Brewers Club.
66. Grimaldi’s: Get a free pizza on your birthday when you sign up for their eFamily club.
67. Habit Burger Grill: Join Habit Burger Grill’s CharClub. My birthday freebie this year was a free cheeseburger.
68. Hard Rock Cafe:  Sign up for Hard Rock Rewards. It’s an entree BOGO.
69. Hometown Buffet: Join Crave Connection and get a free buffet on your birthday. (June, 2020 all locations are closed until further notice).
70. Hooters: Oddly enough, there are two different Hooter sign ups. First is Hooters West Coast and their Hooters eClub. Second is Hooters everywhere else and their Hooters eClub.
71. IHOP: Free pancakes for joining MyHop. And you get free pancakes on your sign-up anniversary. This is a great deal. When did pancakes at IHOP become so expensive?
72. IKEA: You get something free on your birthday when you sign up for IKEA Family. Maybe an entree. Maybe Swedish meatballs.
73. Islands Fine Burgers: I think you get a free slice of pie. And you get free chips and salsa just for signing up.
74. Jack in the Box: If you can stomach it, sign up with Jack in the Box and get 2 free tacos on your birthday. I don’t think I can. I passed on it.
75. Jamba Juice: Sign up for Jamba Insider Rewards and you should get a free drink on your big day. I got zilch this year.
76. Jersey Mike’s Subs: Free sub and drink when you sign up for the email club. And the coupon is good for a year!
77. Joe’s Crab Shack: Register with Joe’s Catch and receive a free appetizer on your birthday. But you have to buy TWO entrees!! Blow me, Joe.
78. Johnny Carino’s: Get a free entree. Join their email list. I passed because the place gets terrible reviews.
79. Johnny Rockets: Get a sort of free burger on your birthday. You have to buy an entree and a drink. No thanks. I’ll go to The Habit for a free burger with no strings attached. But you can join the Rocket eClub.
80. Kohl’s: I got 50 points on my Yes2You account. Sign up for an account here.
81. Krispy Kreme: Sign up for their rewards program and get a free treat on your birthday. A friend of mine got a dozen free donuts! Plus you get a free donut just for signing up.
82. Kung Fu Tea: Anyone who knows me knows my love/obsession/addiction of boba tea. I have an account with Kung Fu Tea and got a $7 coupon for my birthday. .
83. Lazy Dog Cafe: This is a mostly west coast place. Get a free dessert or appetizer. Sign up for their email club.
84. Macaroni Grill: Get a free dessert when you buy an entree. No thanks. But if it’s your jam, sign up for their e-club.
85. Marie Callendar’s: Free slice of pie with purchase of entree. I’d like it free without the purchase. Join the e-club.
86. Marmalade Cafe: Free entree, baby. Sign up here.
87. Mimi’s Cafe: Get a free Mixed Berry Muffin Sundae when you sign up for Mimi’s Club.
88. Moe’s Southwest Grill: For my friends on the east coast. Free burrito. Sign up with Rockin’ Rewards.
89. Noah’s New York Bagels: Like Einstein Bagels. Get a free egg sandwich with a purchase. Sign up for Noah’s Rewards.
90. Olive Garden: Free dessert. And get a free appetizer or dessert when you join their eClub family.
91. On the Border: Get free queso or a brownie sundae on your birthday and an order of sopapillas when you join Club Cantina. I skipped it because the nearest one is 50 miles away. Even I have my limits for free food.
92. Orange Julius: I think you get a free smoothie. Sign up for Julius League.
93. P.F. Chang’s: They let me down this year. But sign up for their email. You may get a free something.
94. Panda Express: You get a free something for your birthday. Sign up for their email.
95. Panera: This year Panera gave me a free drink or a pastry. Join My Panera.
96. Pei Wei: Sign up for My Wei Rewards and choose from these birthday freebies: crab wontons, traditional edamame, vegetable spring rolls, pork egg roll, or Vietnamese chicken salad roll.
97. Petco: Get a little something for your pet on your birthday. Join Pals Rewards.
98. Pick Up Stix: I’ve never eaten here but I think you get Cream Cheese Wontons on your big day. Um…sounds gross. Join the Dragon Email Club.
99. Pinkberry: Sign up for a Pinkcard or download the app, and receive a free yogurt on your birthday.
100. Pita Pit: Sign up for their E-Club and get a free something on your birthday.
101. Pretzel Maker: Get a free order of Pretzel Bites. Download the app.
102. Pizza Hut: Free Cinnamon sticks on your birthday when you sign up for Hut Rewards.
103. Pizza Rev: Get a free pizza! Get the app and sign up for Rev Rewards. Mmm, pizza.
104. Qdoba: Your birthday freebie is a free cookie. Sign up for their email list.
105. Quiznos: Get a free 4 inch Sub. Download the Quiznos Toasty Points Loyalty App.
106. Red Robin: Hello free Birthday Burger! Join Red Robin Loyalty. I love this one. Get the Mad Love Burger!
107. Red Lobster: I think you get a free soup, dessert or shrimp Cocktail. Download My Red Lobster Rewards
108. Rita’s Water Ice: Ah the taste of Philly. Join their birthday club and get a free water ice. Noooo! The one near me went out of business. Maybe they heard I was on my way over.
109. Roys: Get a free dessert on your birthday. But you have to buy an entree. Meh. Join Roy’s Ohana Club.
110. Rubio’s: This is a BOGO. I’m not crazy about BOGOs. I want free as free can be. But if you join the Beach Club you get a free taco just for signing up.
111. Ruby’s Diner: Sign up for the Ruby’s Eclub and get a free sundae on your big day.
112. Saks Off 5th: Get a coupon for $20 a purchase of $150 or more, or $50 a purchase of $250 or more. Talk about going broke to save money. Create a Saks Off 5th account here.
113. Sbarro: Join the Slice Society and get a free XL NY slice with the purchase of a beverage within 24 hours of joining. And a free slice on your birthday. (Putting in your birthday is annoying as hell)
114. Sephora: I’m not sure what you get. I signed up. We’ll see next year.
115. Shakey’s Pizza Parlor: I think you get a free meal when you join the Shakey’s E-Club.
116. Sizzler: Join the Real Deal Club. Get $5 off an entree. I haven’t eaten at a Sizzler in decades. It’s far from the best deal but it’s tempting.
117. Sonic: Sonic only uses an app. Sign up and for your birthday you get a free small shake (as long as you order ahead)
118. Sprinkles: Join Sprinkles Perks and get a free cupcake on your birthday. Visit Sprinkles more than 40 times in a year, get a dozen free cupcakes on your birthday.
119. Starbucks: Free drink, baby! Get the largest one. It’s free. Join Starbucks Rewards.
120. Subway: I think you get a free cookie on your birthday. Join Subway My Way.
121. TGIFridays: Sign up for Fridays Rewards. Get a free dessert on your birthday.
122. Total Wine: I got a coupon for $5 off a purchase of $50 or more. Oh you shouldn’t have. No, seriously. You shouldn’t have. Sign up for a Total Wine account.
123. Wendy’s: I think you get a free chicken sandwich and a small frosty. Download the Wendy’s app.
124. Wienerschnitzel: Join the Wiener Lovers’ Club (yeah, that’s the actual name). Get a free chili dog for signing up. Get a free corn dog on your birthday. This is one I may have to skip.
125. Wing Stop: Free fries. And let me tell you, it’s a huge order of fries. Sign up for The Club.

If you know of any others, please let me know and I’ll add them to the list.

The post The Ultimate Birthday Freebies List appeared first on Mark Brown - Writer.

March 17. I’ve already used 23 rolls of toilet paper. I now regret acting out scenes from The Mummy.

I read that a woman bought a gun after seeing all the “chaos at her local Costco, with long lines and people stockpiling goods.” Great. That’s what we need. We need to be in a real life dystopian action horror film. Oh yes, please, open fire when someone takes the last roasted chicken.

What is wrong with people?

Servant Stage sent me an email. They wanted to know if I’d allow them to show a video of their production of my play Around the World in 80 Days.

“Our 2017 production of your adaptation of Around the World in 80 Days has been hands down our most popular and most requested show.”

It’s always good to get a compliment like that when you’re holed up in your house. I said no. I’m kidding. I said yes. (And yes, it’s a non-union theatre so no need to worry about Equity rules).

I’m thinking about buying a bidet but my trial run with the lawn sprinkler didn’t go too well.

I was a bit more productive today. I pushed forward on my new script. My friend Sarah is helping me with the translation and she’s loads of fun.

People are putting together Coronavirus playlists so I jumped on the bandwagon and made one as well.

I hired someone to do a lyric video for me but as of now what they’ve done hasn’t wowed me. I talked to someone else about doing it. They sent me a 15 second demo and it wasn’t good either. So I did my own.

More importantly, I’ve nearly finished my Kringle. I may have to make a trip to Trader Joe’s. But leaving the house is terrifying. There are zombies out there!

The post My Coronavirus Diary – Day 2 appeared first on Mark Brown - Writer.

March 16. Lockdown. Everything is closed. Restaurants, stores, schools. “Keep six feet away from people” has been replaced with “don’t leave your homes!” Don’t go outside! The zombies will get you!

Jesus, Mary, and Josephine Baker I’m stressed.

I work from home. Now my wife works from home. My daughter is home, “distance learning” with her school. My dogs are unemployed and all they do is lie around all day. Lazy bastards.

I’m a mess.

There are stupid long lines at supermarkets. People are getting in line for Costco at 3:00 am. And everyone is hoarding toilet paper as if we’re all going to start pooping like we’re prepping for a colonoscopy.

I’m completely overwhelmed.

All of my productions have been canceled. I only make money when theaters produce my shows. But right now all theaters are closed. And no one knows for how long. When will I make money again?

I’m a 4-Star General Anxiety.

And to top it off, I’m in first place in my Premier League Fantasy league and no one knows if the season will continue. Curse you!!

These are strange times. And stressful times. And for someone who battles anxiety, these are extra special times. Thank god for vodka and Xanax (no, I don’t recommend this treatment).

So what to do? I’m working on a new script but I’m having trouble concentrating. So far I’ve been great at stress eating. My wife came home the other day with chocolate ice cream, chocolate bars, and a Kringle. I devoured all of them.

I’m trying to read but that whole “trouble concentrating” thing has come into play. I’m watching TV. My latest binge show is Babylon Berlin. Thank god I discovered how to switch it to the original German with English subtitles. The dubbing was atrocious. I play Emoji Blitz because it’s mindless.

And I vacillate between reading as much news as I can and avoiding all news because it makes me too stressed.

I think I’ll go make a vodka-infused chocolate bar.

The post My Coronavirus Diary – Day 1 appeared first on Mark Brown - Writer.

How To Survive Staying At Home During The Coronavirus

(Some of the links in this post are affiliate links and if you go through them to make a purchase I will earn a commission, at no extra cost to you. And with all of my productions on hold because of the coronavirus, I could use the extra gravy, so thank you in advance)

The world has gone crazy. Schools are closing. Sporting events and concerts are canceled.  Toilet paper is flying off the shelves as if we’re all going to start pooping like we’re prepping for a colonoscopy. It’s pandemonium.

And all the talk is about social distancing. CDC guidelines recommend that people remain between six to 10 feet away from each other at all times. Frankly it now gives me an excuse not to be near some people.  And to slow the pandemic, it’s been heavily suggested we all just stay home as much as possible.

So how does one survive shutting themselves in until the apes take over the world?

Here are a few suggestions:

Visit A Museum

No, I don’t mean actually go to a museum. These 13 museums offer virtual tours.

British Museum, London

Guggenheim Museum, New York

National Gallery of Art, Washington, D.C.

Musée d’Orsay, Paris (One of my all-time favorite museums)

National Museum of Modern and Contemporary Art, Seoul

Pergamon Museum, Berlin

Rijksmuseum, Amsterdam

Van Gogh Museum, Amsterdam

The J. Paul Getty Museum, Los Angeles

Uffizi Gallery, Florence

MASP, São Paulo

National Museum of Anthropology, Mexico City

Louvre, Paris

Read a Book

Now is a great time to hunker down with a good book or seven. (Lord knows how long this will last). Here are a few of my favorite books. (Affiliate links ahead)

Beautiful Ruins

Let The Great World Spin

All The Light We Cannot See

The Little Red Guard: A Family Memoir

Tales of the South Pacific

Berlin Noir

Binge on TV Shows

There are a ton of binge worthy shows. Some of my favorite shows of late are:

Lost in Space (thank god there’s going to be a season three)

Gotham (Sometimes a little goofy but Robin Lord Taylor is wonderful as The Penguin)

Hunters (What’s not to love about Pacino and a misfit crew hunting down Nazi War criminals?)

Legends of Tomorrow (Gloriously campy)

The Flash (Come on, it’s The Flash)

Ragnorak (The Norwegian Language drama)

The Mandalorian (Baby Yoda. Need I say more?)

Babylon Berlin (Change the settings to German language, English subtitles. The English voice-overs are the worst)

Trace Your Family Tree

Join Ancestry and find out your family’s history. Maybe you’ll find some relatives who perished from the Spanish Flu. (Sign up for a Rakuten account and get 7.5% back)

Learn a Language

Learn to say “I’m not contagious” in another language. Duolingo, Babbel, and Rosetta Stone are great apps. (A Rakuten account saves you 20% on Babbel and 3.5% on Rosetta Stone)

Play a Board Game

There are so many great choices. When we play Clue, we use a bad German accent as we shine a flashlight into the person’s face we’re questioning.

Learn to Play a Musical Instrument

Why not? I basically taught myself to play the guitar over 45 years ago. I haven’t gotten any better since then but that didn’t stop me from writing the musicals China the Whole Enchilada and Tom Jones the Musical. (Pardon the shameless plug)

Watch Some Movies

Pop up a big bowl of popcorn and make your way through AFI’s 100 Top Movies.

Do a Puzzle

I used to love doing puzzles with my dad. When my mom passed away, we donated all of our puzzles to a senior citizen’s group. There must have been about 50 puzzles.

Take an Online Course

My dad was a big advocate of always learning. There are  a lot of online courses. Oxford University is my favorite.

Stress Eat

Okay, maybe not the best thing in the world for you to do, but these are trying times. I came home from the grocery store the other day not with toilet paper, but with chocolate ice cream, chocolate bars, and a Kringle.

Drink

Again, maybe not the best choice but we’re in uncharted waters. Here are some of my go-to drinks.

Vodka and Orange juice

Rum and Coke

Spiced rum and ginger beer

French 75

Call Your Friends and Family

Now more than ever we need our friends and family — just not within 6 feet. So call them. FaceTime with them. Don’t forget to connect with your loved ones.

What are your survival tips?

The post How To Survive Staying At Home During The Coronavirus appeared first on Mark Brown - Writer.

It’s always hard for me to find a good Valentines Day card. I hate the sappy, lace-covered cards with some soppy message written in a romance novel font. And a lot of the “humorous” cards don’t live up to the humorous part. What’s a pseudo-romantic-odd-sense-of-humor guy to do?

Cue the band.

These cards are perfect.

Historical Cards That Say I Love You

For those of you who love history and dictators, these are for you.

Happy Valentines Day.

The post Valentines Day Cards appeared first on Mark Brown - Writer.

Are you just sitting around saying to yourself, “Gee, I really wish I could watch the Titanic sinking in real time?” Then I have some awesome news for you. Now you can, thank to Titanic: Honor and Glory, a “fully interactive recreation of the most famous ship in history.”

The company behind Titanic: Honor and Glory has just released a 2:40 hour video of the Titanic sinking. It’s mesmerizing. Don’t skip to the end. I mean, we all know how it ends so you don’t have to worry about spoiler alters. But I will tell you that the final bit with the ship sinking and the empty lifeboats drifting by is haunting.

Not only will you be able to explore the entire ship, inside and out, but you’ll also get to explore Southhampton before you set sail on the journey that was far worse than the S.S. Minnow.

The game isn’t completed yet. In fact, you can apply to work on the project.

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Free Yogurtland

To celebrate National Frozen Yogurt Day (I don’t know why we kids have school that day. It’s a war on Frozen Yogurt) on Monday February 8th from 4 – 7 pm Yogurtland will be giving away free yogurt and toppings. Hello dinner.

Free Bagel and Shmear

Not to be outdone by frozen yogurt, Tuesday is National Bagel Day. On Tuesday February 9 Einstein Bagels will be giving away free bagels. You have to make a purchase but it doesn’t say how big the purchase has to be. Who cares? I’m going anyway.

Here’s the link to the Einstein Bagels coupon.

The post Free Food This Week appeared first on Mark Brown - Writer.

Hey Veterans. Hop in your M1117 Armored Security Vehicle and hit the town for your Veterans Day Freebies.

Applebee’s

Vets and active-duty military can have their pick from a special menu with options like three-cheese chicken penne, 7-oz. sirloin, and double crunch shrimp, free of charge (beverage and gratuity are not included).

Bob Evans

Hotcakes, brioche French toast, and the country biscuit breakfast are among the options available to veterans and active-duty military in a special free menu.

Bonefish Grill

Customers with military ID get a free order of Bang Bang Shrimp on Veterans Day.

California Pizza Kitchen

A special Veterans Day menu that includes pizza, salad, and pasta is free for vets and active-duty personnel.

California Tortilla

Show a military ID and get one free taco.

Charlie Brown’s Steakhouse

Veterans and active-duty military get a free choice of entrees and a non-alcoholic beverage, plus a coupon good for a $10 credit on a future visit.

Cheeseburger in Paradise

An All American Burger with fries is free of charge to those with military ID.

Cracker Barrel

Grab a free dessert—the Double Chocolate Fudge Coca-Cola Cake—if you’re a veteran.

CraftWorks

Active-duty military and veterans are welcomed to a free craft beer—or, if that’s illegal locally, an appetizer on the house—at this brewery and restaurant group with nearly 200 locations around the country.

Denny’s

From 5 a.m. to noon, all veterans and active-duty personnel get a Build Your Own Grand Slam meal, with possibilities including pancakes, eggs, bacon, fruit, and hash browns.

Friendly’s

Participating locations are giving veterans and active military a free Big-Two-Do combo meal for breakfast, or free All American Burger with fries and a drink for lunch or dinner.

Golden Corral

From 5 p.m. to 9 p.m., anyone who has ever served in the U.S. military is welcomed to a special sit-down dinner, free of charge.

Hooters

All veterans and active-duty military personnel get an entrée on the house.

Hurricane Grill & Wings

All veterans and active military get a free meal from a special menu, as well as a non-alcoholic beverage.

IHOP

From 7 a.m. to 7 p.m., all veterans and active-duty military members are welcomed to one order apiece of Red, White & Blue Pancakes, which come with glazed strawberries, blueberry compote, and whipped cream.

IKEA

From November 8 to 11, show military ID in an IKEA cafeteria for a free entrée (value up to $9.99).

Krispy Kreme

A free donut and a free coffee for all veteran or active-duty military

Krystal

Free breakfast, in the form of a chicken or sausage biscuit, is on the table for vets and active military from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m., and after 11 a.m. all customers get pups or corn pups for 50¢ apiece, with a portion of the proceeds going to the Armed Services YMCA organization.

And thank you all for your service. It is greatly appreciated.

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